Since coming to America almost thirty years ago, I’ve been
hyper aware of my mixed-ethnicity and I’ve been trying to reconcile it - what I
am and where I fit in. For those of you who don’t know, I’m Asian, of Chinese
and Filipino origins, and Caucasian (German and Spanish). Of my Asian side, I’m
mostly Filipino but I grew up in Hong Kong so, in many ways, I relate more with
the Chinese part of my ethnic makeup.
Over the past month or so, things have happened that, in my
mind at least, have reinforced my differentness and/or pushed me to identifying
with my Asian side. Even before these incidents, I’ve always seen myself as
Asian and referred to myself as one but, when I look back on my youth, I feel
that I was never quite Asian enough in Hong Kong and being an immigrant in
America I’ve never felt white enough here. The impact of this duality hits home
when I go to the Asian grocery store and I catch other customers giving me
interesting looks of surprise, as if to say “What’s he doing here?” With my
Filipino brethren, it’s funnier still when I speak Tagalog. I’m usually greeted
with expressions that display equal amounts of shock, joy and disbelief. My
Tagalog isn’t great by any means but, if I keep it simple, it’s passable. One time, I was mistaken for a US serviceman
who learnt to speak Tagalog. And the other Filipino insisted I was even after
telling her I wasn’t. Not that all non-Filipinos who learn to speak Tagalog
mispronounce their words but, going by movies and shows like Back To Bataan and Bring ‘Em Back Alive, my Tagalog pronunciation and accent are
actually quite good and better than that of John Wayne and Brue Boxleitner.
As a writer, I’m trying to work my way into the literary
community. As an Asian American writer, I’m trying to break into that literary
world as well. So, last year, when Hyphen
magazine interviewed me for a piece on Asian American authors who’d
self-published their books and when I was invited to submit my novel, Back Kicks And Broken Promises, to the
Asian American Writers Workshop for its annual Asian American Literary Awards
(although the invitation was withdrawn, as per the rules, when AAWW found out
my book was self-pubbed), I was naturally excited. I was thrilled because my
work and the fruits of my work were being recognised but I was further excited
because I was starting to make my way into a community I hope to fully belong.
Well, recently, three subtle but impacting events helped me
get closer to sorting out my feelings about my identity crisis. Before I go on,
please take note that I’m talking about my
identity crisis with regard to my mixed race makeup and upbringing. I embrace
the fact that I’m mixed because it allows me to see things in the unique way
only a mixed person can. However, not all mixed race people have an identity
crisis but if my experiences can help those who do discover ways to sort theirs
out then job done.
Anyway, here’s what happened. I was at breakfast with my son
at McDonald’s. It was our usual Sunday thing before his swim lesson and we see
the same people there week after week. There’s a very nice woman, around 60,
who goes there after mass. She eats her breakfast and reads the church bulletin
and, on occasion, she’s come up to us and said hello and commented on how sweet
and well mannered my son is. The Sunday before Thanksgiving, she came up to us
and said hello and told me that my son is sweet. She also, hesitantly, wished
us a Happy Thanksgiving without actually saying “Happy Thanksgiving” and was
apologetic in suggesting that we might celebrate it. She even used the words
“If you celebrate.” This event enhanced my feelings of being different. It even
reinforced my being an immigrant and, with my obviously Asian son with me – he
must’ve gotten the majority of the Asian genes from my wife and I and not so
much the German or Spanish (my wife is part Spanish also) - it reinforced that
part of me also. My son, ironically, is not an immigrant having been born and
being raised in New Jersey. The woman was so kind and genuine in her words that
I couldn’t help from feeling like that immigrant who’s come to a new land
filled with hope and promise.
The second event was when I bought a beverage at the café at
my local Barnes and Noble. When I gave my name, Juan, for the person to write
on the cup, she verified its spelling and said, “Wan?” I smiled and I even
liked the mistake but I did correct her although, to be honest, I almost didn’t.
The third was in Chinatown last weekend. With a friend, who
is also a ‘third culture kid’ like me (Filipina who grew up in Indonesia and
lives in New York City), my family had lunch at a noodle shop on Mott Street. I
spoke with the wait staff in Cantonese and it felt like being back home in Hong
Kong – the sights, the sounds, the smells and the tastes. Funnily, even though
I know fewer Cantonese words than Tagalog ones, which is embarrassing
considering I grew up in Hong Kong, my Cantonese intonation is better than my
Tagalog and I’m more confident with my Cantonese over my Tagalog. After lunch,
we crossed the street to a store so I could buy my son a gung fu uniform.
There, the elderly saleswoman and I spoke to one another in Pidgin English and
Cantonese. When she asked me, in Cantonese, if I were Chinese, I answered her
in Cantonese that my grandmother, my father’s mother, was part Chinese
(Manchurian).
While these incidents are minor, they reinforced in me that people
see me as Asian and that I can and do fit in that world; as an Asian in Asia
when I go back home and to The Philippines and as an Asian living in America. They
also reminded me that the keys to finding a place to belong as part of an
ethnic group or as a writer or anything else for that matter are often done so
incrementally and not always with a grand moment. So, if you’re like me, struggling
to find his place in this world and make sense of it all, keep an eye and ear
out for the little things. They won’t be obvious but they’ll often be the most
meaningful.
