19 June, 2017
KNEE SAGA
I have depressive tendencies.
I haven’t been diagnosed but I’ve read enough to see a lot
of the characteristics of a depressive in myself; things like being alone,
losing interest in stuff, not wanting to go anywhere or do anything, feelings
of hopelessness, to name a few. I also tend to see things darkly. That,
however, might just be a practical approach to things. I’d rather prepare for
the worst so that I’m ready for it if or when happens – in my mind, it’s more likely
when than if. If it doesn’t happen, that’s a bonus.
With the ongoing saga that is my knee, my depressive
triggers have resurfaced. I had a follow-up appointment with my ortho last
Tuesday and he examined my knee, which was feeling pretty good. During the
examination, a sharp pain emanated from within the joint. As the days passed
since seeing him, the pain has gotten stronger. (Over the weekend, though, it’s
subsided but that’s because I’ve been off my leg for a lot of the time.) My
doctor ordered an MRI that I got last Saturday. He also used the word
‘surgery.’ It’d be a 30-minute arthroscopic procedure but with a four to eight
week recovery. He said at four weeks I’d be walking again, although not any
long distances, and at eight weeks I’d be ‘normal.’ Whatever that means, I’m
not entirely sure.
The last few days, my mind and my heart have been in a
whirlwind of uncertainty. I coach volleyball. I don’t do a lot of the drills or
jumps and runs I put the team through but I do need to be able to instruct and
demonstrate. I need to be on my feet on court. I also have a summer job that
pays hourly and I need the money. Knee surgery now would impact upon both of
these things and not in a positive way. With a four to eight week recovery
period, if I got the surgery now, I’d be better by mid-August. There’s plenty
of volleyball left to coach and I can continue to prepare for the sixth degree
black belt test in December I’m trying to get approved for. Getting the surgery
now, however, would also mean no income because I wouldn’t be able to
work. On the flip side, and if the
diagnosis isn’t so bad that I have to
undergo the surgery now and I can put it off, I could possibly go about my
summer as normal and get the surgery after the volleyball season has concluded
in November or, maybe, even after the sixth dan
test a month later.
Deep down, I know I’ll end up not taking or not being able
to take test and that pisses me off and brings me down. I’ll either be laid up
recovering, my knee will be in even worse shape, and/or I won’t be prepared.
Since I was a kid, there are two things I’ve always wanted to be – a writer and
a martial artist. I’ve been both to some level of success. In the 1990s, I
managed to sell articles to various martial arts magazines and get paid for
them. I’ve published a book and gotten a touch of respect and notoriety because
of it. That’s not enough, however. I want to be a working writer. As for the
martial arts, I’ve had several good years of training, teaching and competing.
I had my own dojang (training hall)
twice in my life but, more than that, I’ve tried to live my life and guide my
actions according to the warrior ways prescribed by the codes of Bushido, The Samurai and The Hwarang.
Even without a dojang now, I try to train at my wife’s dance studio whenever I
can and, through my daily actions at work, on the volleyball court and more, I
try to live according to what my black belt symbolises. Thankfully, so far, I
am able to absorb and accept the situation I am in because of what I’ve learnt
and taught as a martial artist.
For now, I’ll use my indomitable spirit and of perseverance
to forge ahead and battle this renewed opponent, my knee, and its allies of
age, injury and life. Throughout the battle, I hope I make the right decisions
on when to get my surgery, if I do actually need it, and my training for the sixth
dan test.
Thanks for stopping by.
