Wishing Has Value

How far back would you go?

There are times in our lives – I admire those who’ve never felt this way – when we want to change our lot in life. It might be everything, it might be one thing, it might be somewhere in between. To do that, we might wish for a lottery win. In some cases, we might wish to be able to go back in time and change the course of events in our lives that led us to where we are into events that lead us to where we wish we were. Sometimes, we wish for that to come with the knowledge that we made the change. At other times, we wish for complete ignorance so we don’t suffer the heartache of losing the good things we have. I mean, it can’t all be bad, can it? Maybe bad is the wrong word. Maybe disappointing or unfulfilling or empty are better.

Some people would stop me right here and say all someone needs to do is trust in God and leave everything in His hands. Perhaps that is so. But, being human beings – flawed and imperfect – it’s only natural and, I think, even good to let our minds wander and wonder ‘what if.’ And that brings me to the question at the top of this post. How far back would you go?

For me, there are several times I might jump back to and, in doing so, I would prefer to  go with the knowledge of everything that had happened to me in the previous future (my present reality). I would try to steer things so I’m where I want to be and what I want to be but in a way that I still get the good things I had before going back. Yeah, I’m greedy but why not? This entire notion is a greedy one, after all, isn’t it?

So, one of the places I might jump back to would be when I moved to America. What I would change:  I would return to Hong Kong and finish my secondary schooling there. Then, I might come here with a full sense of closure and completion of my Hong Kong youth.

Or…

I would go back to when I was applying to college. I wouldn’t have gone into teaching, knowing what I know. I would’ve gone into Communications like I originally thought I would in 1983 when my brother was going through the college process and I was reading through his college books. This might get me closer to being a working writer today.

Or…

I would’ve gone into the Air Force as I almost did when I was eighteen. I would’ve ROTC’d, flown and retired after my seven years. This might’ve given me a sense of patriotism, fraternity and a place to belong.

Or…

I would’ve taken a leave from school and trained hard core in Taekwondo when it was announced that Taekwondo was going to be an Olympic sport. I remember having that chat with my college girlfriend. She was indifferent to the idea. I might not have gotten on any kind of team to fight at The Olympics but, then again, who knows, right? Even without this, I became a martial artist in real life (less so lately though) but this might have solidified my place in that world. I might have made better connections and never stopped. I might have become a fulltime instructor. Still to this day, Martial Arts is THE single best thing I’ve ever gotten into. Like I told my son the morning after I turned forty-eight, I’d give up almost everything  – squash, my marathon finishes, my volleyball successes, some relationships, to name a few – to have a place and be able to train everyday and get back to being the fifth dan I am supposed to be.

Or…

I’d have gone to school at sixteen when I moved to the US, done my last two years of American high school and, perhaps, America would feel more like home than it actually does today. As it was, I ended up taking a year off because I was supposed to get my Green Card and go back to Hong Kong to finish school. After that, I’d come back to the US and do college and live in America.

Or…

Well, I could go on.

The thing is, I consider myself an average guy and there are many aspects of my life that I wish I could go back and change. Some of you reading this might be average Joes and Janes too and wish you could go back as well. Sadly, we can’t go back and we have to deal with our lot in life, hopefully get support from those around us and change the things we can in a way that works. Good or bad, as the saying goes, “it is what it is.” It is nice to dream, however, and imagine what life would be like had things gone the ways we wish they had. And, it’s not all boo hooey, pining and sad. You see, even though the motivation to wish for the ability to go back in time and make these changes stems likely from a missing piece in our lives, wishing and imagining are also ways to remind us of our goals and dreams. It reminds us that, while things may not be what we want them to be, we don’t have to accept our lot in life. Wishing reignites that desire to be something bigger than what we are, to reset our goals, to start believing and re-believing in ourselves, and to make change. Truth be told, we might not always get there. I may never get an agent and become a working writer but I’ll be damned if I ever give up. I’d rather fail knowing I never quit than quit, forever wonder and live with endless regret and doubt.

So, my two cents’ worth: Never stop dreaming. Never stop fighting. And take those time travels as often as you need to.

Failed But Not A Failure

As 2013 comes to an end, like most people, I’ve been thinking about the events of the past year; the ups and downs, successes and failures I’ve experienced. I look back too on the goals I’d set for myself for 2013 and think ahead to the goals I will set for 2014. Looking back, while I have a roof over my head, a shirt on my back, food on the table and a beautiful wife and amazing son by my side, in terms of what I wanted to accomplish in 2013, sadly, I have to say there were more downs than ups.

Looking at my blog post on January 2, 2013, in which I wrote about the five main things I wanted to accomplish, I have to ‘fess up that I scored a resounding F! Of the five, I completed only one. I didn’t succeed in completing a finished draft (one that has gone through a couple of revisions that I’m ready to send out) of Sage Of Heaven. That was my main goal. I also failed at writing a first draft of the second book in the Sage Of Heaven series and a first draft of my Filipino-American short story collection, Five Corners. I had a weight loss/back to fitness goal that went by the wayside as well. Although, there were some stretches when things were going really well in this area. The only goal I completed was to read at least thirty books in 2013. Well, I’ve done that. I’m at forty-two or forty-three.

I think my failure at fulfilling my goals wasn’t due to a lack of desire or discipline. I get up regularly at 3am, regardless of when I go to sleep, to write. And, God, my wife and all my friends know there’s nothing more I want than to be a fit working writer. Instead, I think my failings have to do with my overestimation in my abilities to get my personal goals completed while also trying to get my family goals and current work goals in. I’m a teacher by day and writer by any other time so I have other duties and responsibilities that still need to be met. When I do become a working writer, my personal goals and my work goals will, finally, mesh. There are only so many hours in the day and, more importantly, there are only so many hours in the day that are truly yours. In my case, those hours tend to be the early morning ones before dawn.

In setting my goals for 2014, I’m going to have to remember that. I’m going to have to be less ambitious, more realistic in regarding my situation and, perhaps, even reduce the number of goals I want to achieve. I’m going to have to do this because I’ve come to realize, maybe later than I should have, that my life isn’t my own. My parents will say it never was because it belongs to God. That’s not what I’m talking about. I’m referring to my life in earthly terms. My life isn’t my own because parts of it belong to my wife, my son, my dog, my students, my athletes, my co-teachers, my friends. And, while I’m still trying to get my life to be the one I want it to be, before I get there, I’m going to have to accept where I am, which is in a life that I hadn’t planned – at least not wholly. There are parts of it that have gone just right but there are many parts that haven’t.

So, as you make your goals and resolutions for 2014, if you’re anything like me and think big while your situation, resources and the time you have are small and you've been less than full successful in 2013, take stock of what you want to achieve for the next twelve months and be realistic about getting them done. Some of those goals may be able to get pushed back a year or two. Accept, too, who you are and where you are. I’ve failed in meeting all of my goals for 2013 but I’m not a failure. Neither are you.

Having said all of the above, here are my main personal goals for 2014.

1.     Finish a final draft of Sage of Heaven, book one and get it in agents’ hands.

2.     Improve my fitness.

3.     Read at least thirty books.

4.     Complete the first draft of either Sage Of Heaven, book two, Five Corners, or Aliens Among Us, book one.

5.     Get back to and maintain regular Taekwondo training

Goals, not Resolutions

Happy New Year everyone!

I don't make resolutions on New Year's. They imply solutions, finite achievements in one's life, but life, if you've been paying attention to it, is too fluid and evolving. I guess the one true thing that's finite is death but even then, depending on what religion or spiritual form you follow, death doesn't end life. Some of us believe in an afterlife; a heaven or hell, a Valhalla where we live on in a divine sort of way. Some of us believe in the continuous cycle of life - reincarnation into another physical being - that sees life go on in a different way from a different perspective. Add to this that human beings are fluid and evolving. It might sound like a copout - I don't think it is - but making resolutions doesn't allow for failure and, as humans, we - I - am bound to fail. Sometimes we fail because of our own humanness and sometimes we fail because of setbacks that are not our doing. Failing to live up to our resolutions suggests a sense of "less than" and an inherent wrongness about who we are inside; that the person who failed is "bad."

Instead of making resolutions, I set goals. I make plans to achieve them and, if those plans are working, I stay with them. If they're not, I devise new ones. If I decide that the goals I set at the start of the year are too lofty or unrealistic, I change them. That's one of the great things about being human - we can change our minds and decide when/if/how/where we want to do things and how important those things are for us.

Having said all of that, here are my main goals for 2013.

1. Finish writing Sage Of Heaven and either secure an agent/publisher or self-publish it, working so it, and the series, gets picked up like Christopher Paolini's Eragon and its series.
2. Sixty pound weight loss, at five pounds a month, to get back to my pre-marriage weight by 1 January, 2014. In addition to improving my nutrition, this will be accomplished with, but not limited to, the following: at least 3x a week of regular Taekwondo practice, at least 4x a week of cardio training (minimum 30 minutes) and at least 3x a week of resistance training (each body part 1-2x per week).
3. Finish writing my Fil-Am short story collection, Five Corners. I'm talking about a first draft and not a finished manuscript.
4. Read, at least, 30 books in 2013. I read 24 in 2012.
5. Finish writing the first draft of the second book in my Sage Of Heaven series.

These, of course, are MY own goals; the ones that, while they do have bearing on my wife and son, they don't - or, at least, don't have to - involve them in terms of achieving them. Not directly, anyway. The goals involving my family are, say, less tangible, less measurable.

Anyway, there they are. I'm publicising them here to keep myself motivated and honest. And accountable. After all, it's easy to say them just to oneself. And when that's the case, as hard we humans try, it's easy to bail on them. I don't want to bail and I want to succeed so I'm putting them out there and I'll post updates in this blog and through my Twitter (@JuanRaderBas) and Facebook accounts. Feel free to ask me about my progress towards achieving them. In fact, I hope you do so I'll be even more motivated to achieve them so I can respond to you meaningfully. I'm aiming to achieve them either way but your encouragement, nagging, enquiry will serve me well like a drill instructor getting into his new recruits.

I thank you, in advance for your support and I wish you luck in achieving your own goals and, even, your resolutions.