The Soundtrack of My Life

 

    I was driving home yesterday when I switched radio channels from a regional Top 40 station to the Eighties Sirius XM channel.  The show was going through Billboard Top 100 from 1986 and No Easy Way Out, from the movie Rocky IV, which was released in the autumn of 1985, came on. The song brought all sorts of memories and feelings to the fore - excitement, hope, nostalgia, regret. It was around the time that Rocky IV came out when I took my first Taekwondo belt promotion test. In fact, I watched the movie the night before test day. For me, who would go on and follow a martial artist's path and continue Taekwondo training for decades to follow, the Rocky IV soundtrack and  No Easy Way Out, in particular, took on special meaning simply because of that random and unexpected connection. As quickly as those memories from the autumn of 1985, my first year living in the United States, they left me and Rocky V and the song Measure of a Man and the memories and feelings associated with them took their place. In my head were memories from 1991, when I graduated from Rutgers University, broke up with my college girlfriend, and had the rest of my life ahead of me. 

    It's interesting that two songs from different Rocky movies have such a strong connection to my life and the chronology of my hopes, dreams, successes, and failures. I assure you that there are non-Rocky and non-soundtrack songs that bring back memories of other important times and events of my life. And, don't worry. I'm not (not now, anyway) going to present you with a list of songs that make up my life but, if I did, I wonder what would be in it. An album is, what, twenty songs or so? Maybe it's a few less, sixteen or fourteen. If I do compile a soundtrack of my life, what songs would I include? Would I focus on monumental events in my life, like my wedding, and include my wedding song? Or, would I find a song for every year or decade that sums up what I did or felt or songs that represent my overall mood for each year?

    As I get older - as I've gotten older - and closer to my waning days, I look back more than I did in my thirties or, even, forties. Would coming up with a soundtrack to my life be merely hubris or would it be something worthwhile to leave my son? As a writer, I think it makes for an interesting exercise. Writers create worlds and lives and creating a soundtrack to a life can help form character, motivation, and dramatic need. As a man, husband, and father, I think it's a fun and meaningful endeavour. It can be a musical illustration of a person's evolution.

    No Easy Way Out and Measure of a Man will definitely make the final list of my soundtrack. So, too, I think will one or two Human League songs and several from different Broadway shows. What about yours? What's in the soundtrack of your life?

    Thanks for stopping by. 

Making Choice - Life 2 Juan 0

Making Choices - Life 2 Juan 0

2 June, 2017

Last autumn, I reinjured the knee I damaged in 1996. I was doing a lot of running, getting back in shape and training towards earning a guaranteed spot in the 2017 New York City Marathon (NYCM). I’d begun my training the previous April and was in a good groove. As a result of my injury, I had to forego my 2017 NYCM dreams. I followed my doctor’s instructions, did the PT (physical therapy) and slowly my knee was getting better. Before long, I was doing some cardio training (no running) and playing squash. Throughout all of it, I’d do some flexibility training and some light Taekwondo training when I could squeeze it in. I don’t have my own school anymore and I coach volleyball from August to November so finding a time and place wasn’t - and isn’t - always the easiest thing.

Recently, I’d gotten into another good groove. I was training regularly, eating better, and dropping weight. Then I discovered that the Kukkiwon (the world governing body of Taekwondo) will be holding special promotion tests in the United States throughout the year in various locations. One of them is taking place in New Jersey this December. This coming August, I will have met the time requirement to test for my sixth degree black belt and I’m using the test as impetus to up my training; all while monitoring the strength of my knee. I don’t know if my application will be accepted and, depending on my knee, if I’ll even be able to perform. If I am, I hope I am able to perform that deems me worthy in the eyes of the examiners, and my own eyes, to be awarded my sixth dan.

As life would have it, I reaggravated my knee two Sundays ago while mowing the lawn - our uneven, undulating lawn. I maneuvered the lawn mower to turn left but it got caught on one of the bumps and didn’t turn. My knee did, however. All this after completing the Euflexxa treatments my doctor recommended. So, I went back to the doctor, got another cortisone shot and was given a pair of loaner crutches. I’ve stopped using the crutches but I still have a minor limp and there’s still a little stiffness and an occasional shooting pain. I’m hoping in a week or so that the pain and limp will vanish enough that I can get back to some cardio and, eventually, light then regular Taekwondo training.

For now and for the next six months, that’s where my focus has to be. I have to give up squash, which is going to be a killer because I enjoy it, it’s a great workout and it’s my son’s and my ‘thing’ together. Without a school and master to train under, I need these opportunities like the Kukkiwon special promotion test and preparing for it is going to take up much of my extra energy and time. Like the old Chinese adage says, “One has to eat bitter to taste sweet.” It’s a choice I hate having to make but it’s one that has to be made. As much as I love squash and athletic pursuits, Taekwondo is a martial art and martial arts are about life. They’re not just the physical attributes one develops through practicing them. If you’re reading this and you’re someone who knows me well, you know that since 1985 I am and have always been a martial artist before most everything else. You’ll also know that I didn’t get into martial arts training for the physical benefits but for the psychological, spiritual and emotional ones. If I could have a regular place to train, I would be willing to give up almost everything else to train daily even if my knee wasn’t injured. The other option, albeit a forced one, is to choose to hang up my squash racquet and my black belt but that would be completely contrary to what martial arts are all about. Quitting martial arts just because my physical abilities have waned decision would be akin to giving up on who I am and what I’ve believed in the last thirty-two years.

So, while life leads two-nil in our current match, I’m hoping to pull a goal back in December. And after that, who knows? Maybe I’ll find an equalizer and even a winner. In the meantime, trying to see a positive out of all of this, I’m hoping that my predicament can be a lesson my son can learn as well; that one has to make sacrifices and choices that he might won’t like or want to make in order to get what he wants or needs.

Wishing Has Value

How far back would you go?

There are times in our lives – I admire those who’ve never felt this way – when we want to change our lot in life. It might be everything, it might be one thing, it might be somewhere in between. To do that, we might wish for a lottery win. In some cases, we might wish to be able to go back in time and change the course of events in our lives that led us to where we are into events that lead us to where we wish we were. Sometimes, we wish for that to come with the knowledge that we made the change. At other times, we wish for complete ignorance so we don’t suffer the heartache of losing the good things we have. I mean, it can’t all be bad, can it? Maybe bad is the wrong word. Maybe disappointing or unfulfilling or empty are better.

Some people would stop me right here and say all someone needs to do is trust in God and leave everything in His hands. Perhaps that is so. But, being human beings – flawed and imperfect – it’s only natural and, I think, even good to let our minds wander and wonder ‘what if.’ And that brings me to the question at the top of this post. How far back would you go?

For me, there are several times I might jump back to and, in doing so, I would prefer to  go with the knowledge of everything that had happened to me in the previous future (my present reality). I would try to steer things so I’m where I want to be and what I want to be but in a way that I still get the good things I had before going back. Yeah, I’m greedy but why not? This entire notion is a greedy one, after all, isn’t it?

So, one of the places I might jump back to would be when I moved to America. What I would change:  I would return to Hong Kong and finish my secondary schooling there. Then, I might come here with a full sense of closure and completion of my Hong Kong youth.

Or…

I would go back to when I was applying to college. I wouldn’t have gone into teaching, knowing what I know. I would’ve gone into Communications like I originally thought I would in 1983 when my brother was going through the college process and I was reading through his college books. This might get me closer to being a working writer today.

Or…

I would’ve gone into the Air Force as I almost did when I was eighteen. I would’ve ROTC’d, flown and retired after my seven years. This might’ve given me a sense of patriotism, fraternity and a place to belong.

Or…

I would’ve taken a leave from school and trained hard core in Taekwondo when it was announced that Taekwondo was going to be an Olympic sport. I remember having that chat with my college girlfriend. She was indifferent to the idea. I might not have gotten on any kind of team to fight at The Olympics but, then again, who knows, right? Even without this, I became a martial artist in real life (less so lately though) but this might have solidified my place in that world. I might have made better connections and never stopped. I might have become a fulltime instructor. Still to this day, Martial Arts is THE single best thing I’ve ever gotten into. Like I told my son the morning after I turned forty-eight, I’d give up almost everything  – squash, my marathon finishes, my volleyball successes, some relationships, to name a few – to have a place and be able to train everyday and get back to being the fifth dan I am supposed to be.

Or…

I’d have gone to school at sixteen when I moved to the US, done my last two years of American high school and, perhaps, America would feel more like home than it actually does today. As it was, I ended up taking a year off because I was supposed to get my Green Card and go back to Hong Kong to finish school. After that, I’d come back to the US and do college and live in America.

Or…

Well, I could go on.

The thing is, I consider myself an average guy and there are many aspects of my life that I wish I could go back and change. Some of you reading this might be average Joes and Janes too and wish you could go back as well. Sadly, we can’t go back and we have to deal with our lot in life, hopefully get support from those around us and change the things we can in a way that works. Good or bad, as the saying goes, “it is what it is.” It is nice to dream, however, and imagine what life would be like had things gone the ways we wish they had. And, it’s not all boo hooey, pining and sad. You see, even though the motivation to wish for the ability to go back in time and make these changes stems likely from a missing piece in our lives, wishing and imagining are also ways to remind us of our goals and dreams. It reminds us that, while things may not be what we want them to be, we don’t have to accept our lot in life. Wishing reignites that desire to be something bigger than what we are, to reset our goals, to start believing and re-believing in ourselves, and to make change. Truth be told, we might not always get there. I may never get an agent and become a working writer but I’ll be damned if I ever give up. I’d rather fail knowing I never quit than quit, forever wonder and live with endless regret and doubt.

So, my two cents’ worth: Never stop dreaming. Never stop fighting. And take those time travels as often as you need to.

Failed But Not A Failure

As 2013 comes to an end, like most people, I’ve been thinking about the events of the past year; the ups and downs, successes and failures I’ve experienced. I look back too on the goals I’d set for myself for 2013 and think ahead to the goals I will set for 2014. Looking back, while I have a roof over my head, a shirt on my back, food on the table and a beautiful wife and amazing son by my side, in terms of what I wanted to accomplish in 2013, sadly, I have to say there were more downs than ups.

Looking at my blog post on January 2, 2013, in which I wrote about the five main things I wanted to accomplish, I have to ‘fess up that I scored a resounding F! Of the five, I completed only one. I didn’t succeed in completing a finished draft (one that has gone through a couple of revisions that I’m ready to send out) of Sage Of Heaven. That was my main goal. I also failed at writing a first draft of the second book in the Sage Of Heaven series and a first draft of my Filipino-American short story collection, Five Corners. I had a weight loss/back to fitness goal that went by the wayside as well. Although, there were some stretches when things were going really well in this area. The only goal I completed was to read at least thirty books in 2013. Well, I’ve done that. I’m at forty-two or forty-three.

I think my failure at fulfilling my goals wasn’t due to a lack of desire or discipline. I get up regularly at 3am, regardless of when I go to sleep, to write. And, God, my wife and all my friends know there’s nothing more I want than to be a fit working writer. Instead, I think my failings have to do with my overestimation in my abilities to get my personal goals completed while also trying to get my family goals and current work goals in. I’m a teacher by day and writer by any other time so I have other duties and responsibilities that still need to be met. When I do become a working writer, my personal goals and my work goals will, finally, mesh. There are only so many hours in the day and, more importantly, there are only so many hours in the day that are truly yours. In my case, those hours tend to be the early morning ones before dawn.

In setting my goals for 2014, I’m going to have to remember that. I’m going to have to be less ambitious, more realistic in regarding my situation and, perhaps, even reduce the number of goals I want to achieve. I’m going to have to do this because I’ve come to realize, maybe later than I should have, that my life isn’t my own. My parents will say it never was because it belongs to God. That’s not what I’m talking about. I’m referring to my life in earthly terms. My life isn’t my own because parts of it belong to my wife, my son, my dog, my students, my athletes, my co-teachers, my friends. And, while I’m still trying to get my life to be the one I want it to be, before I get there, I’m going to have to accept where I am, which is in a life that I hadn’t planned – at least not wholly. There are parts of it that have gone just right but there are many parts that haven’t.

So, as you make your goals and resolutions for 2014, if you’re anything like me and think big while your situation, resources and the time you have are small and you've been less than full successful in 2013, take stock of what you want to achieve for the next twelve months and be realistic about getting them done. Some of those goals may be able to get pushed back a year or two. Accept, too, who you are and where you are. I’ve failed in meeting all of my goals for 2013 but I’m not a failure. Neither are you.

Having said all of the above, here are my main personal goals for 2014.

1.     Finish a final draft of Sage of Heaven, book one and get it in agents’ hands.

2.     Improve my fitness.

3.     Read at least thirty books.

4.     Complete the first draft of either Sage Of Heaven, book two, Five Corners, or Aliens Among Us, book one.

5.     Get back to and maintain regular Taekwondo training

Graduation

My son, Jude, had his first 'graduation' a couple of weeks ago. Pre-K is over and, this fall, he'll be starting kindergarten. And, of course, there was a short but very sweet and entertaining ceremony at his preschool. The students sang, received superlative awards (Jude earned 'Best Imagination') and presented themselves in what they hope to be in the future. Jude, it turns out, wants to be an astronaut, which is likely coming from his exposure to and love of superhero/scifi shows and movies; programs like Power Rangers, Green Lantern, Superman, Star Wars, Iron Man, you name it. One of Jude's classmates wants to be a fire breathing dragon. Awesome!

There were a total of nine graduates - 8 boys, 1 girl - and watching them interact with their own inside jokes, nicknames and playful banter reinforced that my son is no longer the little peanut we brought home from the maternity ward five years ago or the pudgy faced toddler who feared the idea of feeding himself or abandoning the nighttime security of a diaper. Among themselves, they nicknamed the lone girl 'Pink Ranger Princess' or something like that. She wore a pink gown and sat in the centre chair. Flanking her, the boys were very smart in their dark trousers and tuxedo t-shirts. 

Seeing them laugh, joke, exchange knowing glances, I couldn't help from taking a moment to close my eyes (I actually did close them, the corn ball I am) and look into into the future. I saw my son with his new friends in primary school then into the secondary school years, bringing them home to do homework and projects, play some Wii or some other home entertainment gizmo, run around outside or go to the park to shoot some round ball, run home and raid our fridge for snacks and drinks. As they refresh and catch their breath, they'd banter about the upcoming school ball game and who thinks who's cute in Science class. In my mind's eye, it was all so idyllic; my own version of The Cosby Show or Family Ties, albeit with (so far) just one kid. I hope Jude gets to have these experiences, never losing the inncocent joy and unhindered interaction I witnessed at his graduation. It's a lot to wish for, since innocence is always lost, but, especially if you're a parent, I think you know what I mean. I hope and pray, too, that he keeps the friendships he's made at preschool - although, at his age now, this is largely dependent upon my wife and I, his parents - and that he makes true and lasting ones in primary school and beyond. 

Tomorrow is graduation day at my school district. Our eighth graders will be moving on to high school and our seniors on to university or, for some, the military or the workforce. Wherever and whatever they do, it's a very unique time of their lives. It's a time of change - a little scary, perhaps, but always exciting - in which they can exert more and more of their own growing independence and individuality. It's a time for them, if they haven't already done so, to begin dreaming, thinking and planning for who they want to be when they're grown up and truly fending for themselves and making their mark on the world. I wish all of them luck and much success. I also encourage them to take moments to breathe and to look back, to close their eyes and remember their own preschool graduations and the innocence they possessed and hopefulness it offered. Time can't go backwards and as they get older they're going to get caught up in getting ahead; sometimes at the expense of remembering what they were getting ahead for. And, whatever they do, I hope they go at it with the enthusiasm and abandon they approached things when they were Jude's age. If they don't, there's going to be a regret and, worse still, a doubt or two inside them as they get older.

Life, after all, doesn't have to be a burden, although at times it feels that way. Life shoud be enjoyed. It's just sometimes we forget how to enjoy it. But, when we do - and we will - all we need is to go to a playground and watch kids play. If you have your own, stop what you're doing and watch them. If you don't, close your eyes, find a memory and watch yourself. And, when the smile kicks in, get back to what you were doing. It'll be a lot more fun.

Good luck graduates and congratulations. 

Mr. Lessmore

 

Mr. Lessmore

I run an after school Creative Writing class at my school. I have four students and we meet Mondays from 3:15pm to 4:15pm. We meet in the library and, last Monday, the librarian had to leave early so she asked me to lock up. As she left, she turned to me and said, “Juan, you’re in charge. Take care of the books.”

I’ve locked up the library before but that was before I learnt that she’s retiring. And, the last time I locked up, I had a full class and the five of us walked out together. This time, however, only one of my four turned up and he had to leave fifteen minutes early. Already committed to being there, I decided to remain and do some writing of my own for another half an hour or so.

When I decided to go, I had to shut a window, turn off three electric fans and make sure the door was locked. It’s silly - maybe -  but I felt the spirit of Mr. Lessmore as I did what was tasked of me. Libraries are already quiet places but with the doors shut, the noise from the fans gone and with no one else in the room or even in the school’s hallways, the silence seemed even quieter. To be honest, that kind of dominating silence has, in other situations, intimidated and even scared me. This time, I felt safe. It was like I was among friends. And, of course, as corny as this is going to sound, my friends were the books. That’s when and how I felt like I was playing the role of Mr. Lessmore. The librarian had left and, albeit briefly, I was in charge of the books that surrounded me.

With that duty, that responsibility, I couldn’t help but smile.

If you don’t know who Mr. Lessmore is read and watch The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore. It’s by William Joyce and is, for me, the quintessential piece of work that defines every lover of books. It’s a beautiful story that is about how important reading AND writing are and how important it is to cherish what has been written and to share it; that books can - and do - literally and figuratively shape and colour our lives.

So, for a brief moment last Monday, I got to be a kind of Mr. Morris Lessmore. I got to be the hero in one of my favourite books.

When was the last time your life imitated art or made you think that you were playing a part in a book, movie, play, painting; whatever it is that you’d recently seen and/or consider one of your favourites? Whenever it was - or going to be - I hope it’s as special to you as mine was to me.

Balancing Act

So far, I'm managing but I feel that something inside is going to break. Then, something happens and things seem so easy and doable.

What am I talking about? Life, baby. Life.

Since the middle of August things have really taken off and by that mean it seems I don't stop moving and I'm jumping from one thing to another and back again. Yes, I do manage to have down for myself and for time with my wife and son but I always feel like I should be doing something - one of the things I'm working on.

What am I working on?

Well, I'm a teacher and there are lesson plans to write, classes to teach, assignments to grade, reports to write and meetings to attend. I'm also a volleyball coach and we're - the team and I - are deep into our season. So, there are practices to plan for and run, matches to coach, reports to file, local newspaper articles to write (at least I'm writing), college coaches to contact for my potential college-level student-athletes and meetings to attend. Then there's Taekwondo. I teach two nights a week and I may be competing in November so I've got my own training to do. I'm registered, too, for a 5 miler race in Central  Park on the last Saturday of this month. Have I been running to train? In my mind, yes. In reality, no. Haha.

Writing. There's that too. I'm trying to work on my next novel - Sage of Heaven. It's a YA, fantasy about a Chinese-American boy who's a descendant of The Monkey King. Have I written anything lately? Nothing concrete but a lot of thinking about my story; what The Gotham Writer's Workshop calls 'soft writing.' I'm also doing, yet again, revisions on Back Kicks And Broken Promises for my publisher. Yes, it's getting published but, I'll admit it, I've given in and am self-pubbing. I'm getting some praise for Back Kicks but no agents are biting so I'm self-publishing with Abbott, the print-on-demand division of Writer's Digest. Honestly, I'm tired (and maybe too lazy) to keep sending out queries and I just want to put Back Kicks to bed so I can fully focus on Sage.

Then there are my own workouts. I've lost more weight and am getting back to better health and fitness but I need to do more. At least I'm losing and not gaining.

And, then, of course there's home - the daily chores that have to get done and having family time.

I still haven't found a way to completely juggle everything and be efficient in how I juggle it all and in getting things done. I just plod along and hope for the best I guess. If anyone has suggestions, I'd love to hear them.

Anyway, thanks for reading and letting me vent. At least, by venting through my blog, I'm writing. Haha!