Cousins...or not?

My father is an only child. He grew up with some cousins who became very close, like brothers and sisters. Those cousins, like my dad, grew up and had their own children. 

My father's cousins' children are my cousins. From my understanding of family tress and such, they are my first cousins. It is also my understanding that my father's cousins are also my cousins but they're my first cousins, once removed. I believe my cousins' cousins would be my second cousins. 

Who's confused? It sounds confusing - and it very well could be because who said family relationships were anything but? - but, if you read it carefully it's easy to follow.

I bring all of this up because it's my first cousin's birthday today and because of a conversation I had with a friend last week, an Italian-American friend, about something she saw in my novel, Back Kicks And Broken Promises. There's a situation in the book that has to do with cousins and first cousins but, instead of calling the older cousin, once removed his cousin, the character referred to him as his uncle. It's what I do in real life, too, when I address and refer to my father's first cousins (my first cousins, once removed) as my tito and tita (uncle and auntie, respectively, in Tagalog). My Italian-American friend said that in Italy their once removed cousins are still referred to as cousins.

So, I write about all of this because, first, I'd like to know what you think? First - and I guess I could consult a family tree resource or website and find out what the accepted definitions are - am I correct in how I've gotten my relationships sorted, regardless of what I call them in real life? Second, I'm curious to know what you do. What's your 'family language' or 'cultural language' when dealing with stuff like this. 

You see, being Asian and growing up in Asia, I found that it's not the actual blood relationship that determines the proper way of addressing someone. Instead, it's the generation and status of a person. Even though my father's first cousins are my cousins also, I refer to them as tito and tita because they're in my father's generation and not my own. This way of addressing people was reinforced during my freshman year of college. I was playing a lot of squash and I'd made friends with other students and squash players from Singapore and Malaysia. One Friday night, I had to shoot home and one of them had nothing better to do so he came with me. We ended up staying at home, eating dinner and hanging with my parents before heading back down to New Brunswick (we were students at Rutgers). My father, in particular, enjoyed the visit because he'd lived in Singapore as a journalist but what stood out was, as soon as my friend met my parents, he politely shook their hands and said, "It's nice to meet you, Auntie" as if he'd been calling my mother that all his life.  And, to my father, he used the term "uncle."

So, what is it for you? Is their a proper way or does it depend on something else? I'd love to hear what you think.

Cousins

Finally, for the first time since the summer before I got married, I visisted my sister and her family last weekend. It was my niece's confirmation and I was asked to be her godfather so I had to go.

In addition to the importance of the weekend - my niece becoming a full member of the Catholic Church and a 'soldier of God' - the thing that was foremost in my mind was how my son was going to relate to his cousins and how they were going to relate to him. Well, for all my worrying (for lack of a better word), they got along brilliantly. First of all, my sister and her husband have raised fantastic children. They're polite, thoughtful, energetic, intelligent, creative and just plain fun and nice. Jude, too, is at an age when he's more comfortable with himself and more confident that he doesn't shy away as much as he used to.

As soon as we arrived at my sister's house, and my wife and I were able to pry Jude out of his carseat and away from his portable DVD player and a third showing of Toy Story 2, Jude and his cousins discovered each other as they bonded over the abundance of toys in the play area in the far end of the kitchen. They played with cars, stuffed animals, airplanes and space shuttle replicas. Later, we all ventured outside, where there is a swing set and slide. They climbed, slid, played 'steer the boat' and tossed and kicke a rubberr ball around in the back yard. In an previous blog in my other site (filamkickingscribe.com), I talked about how, in Manila, Jude got lost at my sister-in-law's house on Christmas Day in the play room with his cousins from Alabang. Always aware of where he was, what he was doing and who he was with, after arriving at noon we didn't really see himuntil around 7pm when he was, finally, hungry and thirsty. Well, it was much the same in Boston.

Something that was really exciting was how Jude remembers all of his cousins names and how, as we were pulling off the Mass Pike into I-84 into Connecticut, he kept saying, "I want to go Zoe." Zoe is the youngest of the three cousins he met this past weekend. His comment reminded me that I have to be vigilant in showing him pictures of his Boston family - and all of his family - and make sure he recognizes them and knows everyone's name.

What's more, Jude's cousins got to love him and they miss him, too. I was asleep when they were shuffled off to school but my sister informed my wife and I that there were tears and expressions of "I'm going to miss him" from he daughters. I'm glad about all of this. As I've gotten older, my sense of family and how important connections are have become more important to me. For those of you reading who know me, it's no secret that my immediate family isn't the closest, most intimate and sharing unit. I regret that but that's something I can make sure doesn't happen to Jude. He doesn't have any brothers or sisters - yet (don't read anything into this) - so getting to know his cousins is key.

When I moved to America I got to meet and know some of mine. We became close and, as often happens, we got into our own lives in high school and college and making our own families that we losts touch. The last few years, we've gotten back in touch through various family get togethers and social media like Facebook. We're reconnecting. I hope Jude never has to reconnect. I hope he forms those close, deep family ties that  never become fake or sever regardless of the time and distance he and his cousins may be separated by.

This Boston weekend and the last two trips to Manila are forming those ties for my son; ties and contacts that will go on and grow into real, meaningful relationships.